- All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
- The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
- I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
- OK, so what's the speed of dark?
- How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
- If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
- Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
- When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
- Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
- Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
- Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
- Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
- Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
- I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
- Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
- If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
- Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
- Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.
- When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
- Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
- Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
- What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
- I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
- I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
- Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
- If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
- If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
- A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
- Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
- For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
- The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
- The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
- The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
- To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
- You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
- The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
- Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
- The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
- If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
- Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.
- A fool and his money are soon partying.
- Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
- If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
- Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.
- I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
- Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
- Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back.
- Half the people you know are below average.
- 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
- 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
- A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Abraham fell facedown; he laughed and said to himself, “Will a son be born to a man a hundred years old? Will Sarah bear a child at the age of ninety?”
