Explorations in Policing, Faith and Life (With a hint of humor, product reviews, news and whatever catches my attention)

Monday, October 24, 2011

I am at a loss for Post Material...So Here are Steven Wright Jokes

Here are some Steven Wright Jokes.  Thanks to http://www.weather.net/zarg/ZarPages/stevenWright.html

  • All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

  • The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

  • I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

  • OK, so what's the speed of dark?

  • How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

  • If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

  • Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

  • When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

  • Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

  • Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

  • Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

  • Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

  • Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

  • I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

  • Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.

  • If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

  • Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

  • Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.

  • When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

  • Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!

  • Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

  • What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

  • I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

  • I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

  • Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

  • If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

  • If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

  • A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

  • Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

  • For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

  • The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

  • The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

  • The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

  • To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

  • You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

  • The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

  • Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

  • The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

  • A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

  • If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

  • Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.

  • A fool and his money are soon partying.

  • Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

  • If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

  • Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.

  • I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

  • Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

  • Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back.

  • Half the people you know are below average.

  • 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

  • 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

  • A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

Genesis 17:17
Abraham fell facedown; he laughed and said to himself, “Will a son be born to a man a hundred years old? Will Sarah bear a child at the age of ninety?”

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