I am at a loss for Post Material...So Here are Steven Wright Jokes

Here are some Steven Wright Jokes.  Thanks to http://www.weather.net/zarg/ZarPages/stevenWright.html

• All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

• The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

• I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

• OK, so what's the speed of dark?

• How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

• If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

• Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

• When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

• Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

• Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

• Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

• Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

• Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

• I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

• Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.

• If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

• Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

• Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.

• When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

• Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!

• Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

• What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

• I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

• I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

• Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

• If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

• If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

• A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

• Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

• For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

• The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

• The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

• The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

• To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

• You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

• The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

• Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

• The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

• A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

• If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

• Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.

• A fool and his money are soon partying.

• Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

• If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

• Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.

• I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

• Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

• Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back.

• Half the people you know are below average.

• 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

• 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

• A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

Steven Wright's Site

Genesis 17:17
Abraham fell facedown; he laughed and said to himself, “Will a son be born to a man a hundred years old? Will Sarah bear a child at the age of ninety?”

Catch Them Before They Fall

I was speaking with a friend of mine who is on a different department when he told me about this incident.

The construction of one of our State buildings is in the shape of a cylinder.  The offices, elevators and the stairwells are affixed to the inside edge of the cylinder leaving the entire center of the structure open from the roof  to the floor, approximately seventeen floors.

A distraught middle aged woman pulled a chair to the railing, climbed to the rail and jumped to her death, falling seventeen stories to the floor.  Her body remained intact, thou broken, but upon impact her skull split open and her brain slid two to three feet across the floor on the floor lubricated by her own cerebrospinal fluid.  It takes about four minutes to achieve cellular death due to oxygen starvation.  If her brain did not suffer massive structural damage and from what I was told it was totally intact with little to no sign of bleeding, she would have been conscious and aware sitting as only a brain on the tile floor for the four to six minutes till she passed.  A grim, to say the least, ending.

On her body was a note as to where her vehicle was parked, what to do at her apartment and who got her pets and personal property.  Her family and friends received the letter she sent prior to her jump, explaining her reasons for suicide and her hopes for their futures.

As a Police Officer you run into suicides in many forms, using many methods for many different reasons.  But in the final analysis they are all the same in the end.  It is a story about a depressed individual who soon becomes overwhelmed by their real or perceived problems, isolates themselves, erroneously believes their personal issues insurmountable and escapes in the only way they know how.

We need to catch them before they fall.  You know that friend/family member you had that you just somehow lost contact with?  Contact them, find out how they are doing, not over the phone, but in person.  Be brave, ask the real questions, have a relationship that goes deeper than the weather and sports.  Get them moving, get them in the shower, get them running on the street, take them to lunch, have them meet your friends.  Get them to the doctor, the hospital, have them meet some great firemen and Policemen (Trust me we all love alive people even if they do not want to see us-the dead ones tend not to do anything really fun).  Intervene, be someone's savior.  Give them Christ!  Before their last act is to sit dying on the tile-truly and permanently  isolated from us forever.

John 5:24
“Very truly I tell you, whoever hears my word and believes him who sent me has eternal life and will not be judged but has crossed over from death to life.

Surviving Zombie Attack starts with preparedness and proper gear.

This was sent to me the other day.  It has all the elements Cops love...well this Cop at least...Survival horror, gear and humor.  What a cool marketing idea for a gear site...below is a little bit from their page.  The link http://tacticalgear.com/zombie-gear-guide.

Zombie Survival Gear Have the people in your life started to act a little … strange? A friend came down with a mysterious flu and now only craves rare meat. Yesterday, you caught a coworker attempting to gnaw off your hand. These unexplained events cannot be resolved in a hospital or a human resources office. It's time to stockpile essential zombie survival gear. Because there's no such thing as too prepared.

A Snap Shot of the History of American Law Enforcement

Via: Criminal Justice Degrees Blog

NASCAR

My first NASCAR Race.

Day one-was a rain out.  The BBQ'ing and our attempt to ride it out only succeeded in getting every ounce of my clothes soaked and new found appreciation for deodorant as the six of us huddled under a tiny canopy.

Day two-the track was about 1/3 full and it was a great time.

Ecclesiastes 9:11
I have seen something else under the sun: The race is not to the swift or the battle to the strong, nor does food come to the wise or wealth to the brilliant or favor to the learned; but time and chance happen to them all.

Impermanence

If you have read the blog for any amount of time you would have noticed that I post tickets, pamphlets, things which have a very temporal existence.  Watching the history channel, Antiques Roadshow, Pawn Stars and the like, there always is a section about an item that no one knows about and no one preserved an example of one.  It struck me about the impermanence of everyday items we take for granted.  I scan and post something I ran across, found or attended so I can, in a very small way, add to the collective archiving of our lives of the things that have no permanence.

Galatians 6:9
Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.

I haven't Stopped Blogging I Just lost track of time...for a month

Wow neglected the blog there...but I'm back...

Survival starts with Preparation-Unconventional Attack-Maps

A lot of intelligence was flying around about possible terrorist attacks and it got all of us put on alert for the weekend of 9-11.  But it got me thinking about how should we respond to the consent threat of attack but the rare execution of the threat.

It's through preparation.  It allows you to be ready and yet live your life outside of consent fear. Its not expensive  and it provides for a piece of mind.

*Disclaimer*  I am not an expert.  I just have a bunch of low level training and like basic research.  These should only be considered suggestions and not recommendations in anyway.  Further if I miss something let me know and I'll add it in.

There are two basic kinds of attacks.  They are conventional (bomb, armed terrorists) and unconventional (Nuclear, Biological).  You really can think of it this way:  conventional your radius of escape is relatively small and the duration of the danger is relatively short and unconventional, your radius of escape is long and the duration can be very long.  Further, if it is biological, contact with your fellow survivors can put you at further risk.

What you need.  I will start with unconventional terrorist attack.  I am going to assume that you have escaped from the epicenter and managed to find your way to your vehicle.

1.  Map.  Find out your gas mileage and your gas tank capacity.   Draw a radius on your map, this will be you r operational range.  This is what you need to mark.  Find all military bases, national guard depots (a careful internet search can reveal major fuel depots), BSL-3 and BSL-4 biological research centers, small local medical clinics, veterinary clinics, water pumping stations, food pantries , nuclear power plants and rural college campuses.

Break down:  Military bases is an obvious one it can provide protection, medical, fuel, water, gear etc.  But in an attack their number one priority is to remain operational so that they can provide a continuing response to the attack and its after affects.  They may or may not let you in.

National guard depots-they tend to be lightly manned but chock full of useful stuff.  Fuel, food, vehicles, medical supplies.  They tend to be tucked away and not well known but once again a ten second internet search will provide you with the details you need.  The downside is they are very lightly or if at all manned if you need help you are probably on your own.

BSL-3 and BSL-4 biological research facilities.  They are the one place you can run to and be fairly assured that the Small Pox or Ebola can not get in.  They will also become the epicenter of the coming response.  The major problem is lack of food, water and their existing security.  In a crisis they will be very hard to enter.

Small local clinics and Veterinary clinics.  If its a biological release it will take very few inflicted or radiated patients to shut down even the largest of hospitals.  If you want to read a scary bed time story, look up for largest local hospital and find their on file preparedness plan.  What you will find if that in the case of Small Pox for example it will only take 3 or 4 to shut the whole operation down.  So, you need medical supplies and maybe someone to perform a service to fix that which is broken, these will be the only places operational in the short term.  (Dogs leg, you leg really not much of a difference).

Water Pumping Stations:  They tend to be in industrial areas with little actual population.  They are built to protect the area in case a pipe blows and their power supply is dedicated so it would take a major local disturbance to cut its power.  So they are fortified, they will probably have power, they have no one around and now you have water.  Hunker down and wait.

Food Pantries-You need food.  You need food that will not easily spoil and in a place most people will not think to pillage.  It is here.  Churches would be the best bet.

Nuclear Power Plants.  They are never near populated areas.  They have their own armed security force. They have their own water supply to cool the uranium rods.  They have limitless independent power.  They are fortified-once from attack and once for accidental detonation.  They have mandatory food and medical supplies.  Some even have air purifiers and bunkers.  Problem is getting in and if their staff is first to be affected by whatever has happened, this perfect escape place becomes a secondary detonation.

 Lastly Rural College Campuses.  They are away from population centers.  They tend to be agriculture based so now you have the ability to sustain your food supply.  If they are pre-1970 they will have the then mandated bunkers.  They will have on site food preparation and supply centers.  They have a huge knowledge base.  Most have their own armed police force.  They have the ability and equipment to sustain complex mechanical and chemical systems.  The downside is getting to them due to their location and they are usually unregulated as to entrances and exits.  If your running from the biological hazard its going to find its way over to you, eventually.

End of Part One

1 Kings 18:4
While Jezebel was killing off the LORD’s prophets, Obadiah had taken a hundred prophets and hidden them in two caves, fifty in each, and had supplied them with food and water.)

1996 White Sox Tickets...Vintage Memories

Christian Cops of the Old West

When I was writing the previous post I started wondering, who were the Christian Law Enforcement/Sheriffs in the Old West, and why don't I know about any of them.  I knew I had to fix that issue.

Here is a brief summary of what I found.  My occupational forbears who sought to provide justice in the shadow of the Cross.

John Oliver Allen (1850-1928) - A cowboy and Texas Ranger, Allen was born in Kaufman County, Texas on June 22, 1850. Raised on the frontier, he became a cowboy as a young man and enlisted in Rufus Perry's Company D of the Texas Rangers in early 1874. Though he served less than a year in the Rangers, he was wounded four times in Indian skirmishes and would later say that in one battle, every ranger other than himself had been killed. After leaving the Texas Rangers, he later settled at Cookville, Texas and became a chaplain for the Texas Ex-Rangers' Association. He died at Edinburg, Texas on June 7, 1928.

And...well that's it.  I spent two hours combing the internet and that's all I could find.  There most be a book in here for a group of men that clearly have not received their proper recognition.  I couldn't even find a list of famous old west preachers.  I think I have found a hole in the research into the American Wild West.

The Second Half of a Cops Working Life.

The defined benefit pension that most Law Enforcement Professionals enjoy is a two edged sword.  The positive side has it attracting higher caliber individuals that understand that the offset of the lower pay and limited promotional opportunities is a guarantee of a set payment at retirement that adds a huge net value to your personal wealth upon retirement that is independent of economic up/down turns and is free of most fees and taxes.  The negative is that once the maximum benefit package/requirement are reached (most by 30 years of service and 50 + years of age) continued employment in Law Enforcement accomplishes little financial gain.

So anyone in Law Enforcement has to consider, plan and execute a second twenty career before they can truely retire.  The following is a quick list, in no particular order, of some of the second careers my fellow Officers have chosen.

1.  Dennis Farina-Chicago Police Officer-Actor (Law and Order, Midnight Run, Snatch)

2.  Charles Fredrick "Chuck" Adamson-Producer/Writer (Created Crime Story, the movie Heat was based on one of his cases)

3.  James Byron Huggins-Huntsville Police Department-Author, Christian Activist

4.  Patrick Floyd "Pat" Garrett-sheriff of Lincoln County, New Mexico-Customs Agent, Saloon owner.

5.  William Potts-Detroit Police Department-Inventor (Traffic Light (3 way))

6.   Patrick G. Ryan Jr.-Chicago PD-CEO at First Look

7.  Robbie Roberson-Inventor of the SOG SEAL Revolver knife

8.  Phil Queller-World Record Holder-Most Holes of Golf in a 12 hour period.

9.  Bryan Hammond-UK Police Officer-Painter (Not the wall kind)

10. Daniel Rodríguez-NYPD-Opera Singer

11. Bernard Ching-HPD-Actor (Hawii Five-O)

12. Theodore Roosevelt-NY Police Commissioner-President

13. Riding in the Squad with Christ Blogger-Law Officer-Zombie Killer

Ecclesiastes 3:22
So I saw that there is nothing better for a person than to enjoy their work, because that is their lot. For who can bring them to see what will happen after them?

Most of the time we go to them but sometimes they come to us...

911?  Can you please send someone over to please arrest me?  Thanks.

Article Link http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/nationworld/sns-ap-us-self-reported-parking-violation,0,616750.story

Man notifies Conn. police that he parked illegally in handicapped space, gets arrested


By Associated Press

6:33 a.m. CDT, August 26, 2011

SHELTON, Conn. (AP) — Connecticut authorities say a 29-year-old man was so upset about the lack of parking enforcement in his town that he parked his car illegally in a handicapped space and called police more than a dozen times before officers arrived and arrested him.

Shelton police say they had to subdue Michael Andes with a stun gun Thursday morning after he screamed at officers that they weren't doing their job and became combative. He was charged with breach of peace and interfering with an officer and was given a parking ticket.


Authorities say Andes first called police at 2 a.m. and yelled at a dispatcher.

Andes posted $1,000 bail and is due in court Sept. 6. There's no phone listing for Andes and it's not clear if he has a lawyer.

______________________________________________________________

Job security

Little Big Planet Enters Real Life

Anyone who has read this blog for any amount of time soon realizes that I am a gamer.  Beginning with an Atari 2600 for my tenth birthday to my Playstation 3 that currently sits in my office, hours and hours of gaming has gone by.

That said, I just stumbled into Little Big Planet.  I came to this party so late that Little Big Planet 2 is already out. A friend of my son gave a copy of the game to him so that they could play together on-line.  So I reached out grabbed by ten year old self by the roots and pulled him out and played the game too.

Loved it, usually do not like "plat-formers" but this was so unique and so well done that I play it even though I have to stop myself from throwing my controller into a wall every ten minutes or so.

The game got me thinking if anyone had replicated this game in real life.  Its aesthetic of a sock puppet in a diorama world should be able to be reproduced in the real world.  Sadly this was as close as I could find but it's really cool.  My kind of minds.  Enjoy.

  

Product Review 5.11 XPRT Tactical Boot 8"

Police Boots, they mean business.  It's the first piece of equipment that you spend time on and it signifies the beginning of the shift or the beginning of the operation and a physical marker for the mental shift from off, to on duty.  Good boots are made to be quickly forgotten, while bad ones will spend all their time reminding you they're on your feet and your feet, well, they'll remind you about bad boots for the next week.

I have had to opportunity to try 5.11 XPRT Tactical Boot (Link) for about two months.  I have and continue to recommend them to any Law Enforcement Professional without any fear that they will come back with a negative report.

My current assignment offers a unique testing ground for swat boots, since we are a soup-to-nuts contained unit.  We set perimeters (long standing time), we make entries (dynamic impact, quick movement), we hold the scene (very long standing time), contain and process evidence (bending, flexing), searches (a lot of walking), we interview (long periods of sitting) and just about everything a boot can be put through, we put it through.  My current record is thirty six hours on a take down and we did everything without outside help (long long day).  But we also spend a lot of time in "soft clothes" and don't have our feet conditioned to our boots 24/7.

Here's the point.  Most "good" boots do one of the previously mentioned things well.  They are excellent to stand in and offer some modest protection but the second you have to run in them or quickly kneel on the ground for cover, they cut and chafe.  Other boots offer maximum protection, an angry upright bull could not make you notice him while he trampled your toes, but stand in place for thirty minutes you soon find your feet, ankle and calves cramping and trying to escape.  Finally, there are the boots that try to fill in all the gaps and end up doing most things fine but excel at none of them.

However I have found that the 5.11 XPRT excelled for my every need.  I got the protection I needed, I got the flexibility and wear-ability I needed and I did go home raw and bleeding because I only put my boots on twice a week (calluses go quickly once you get out of day-to-day wear).

A couple of things I really liked.  They're Bloodborne pathogen resistant.  I was third in the stack, our entry teammate put the ram through the glass harder than he wanted.  Glass broke, cut up his arms and I crunched through the door on glass and his blood,  Great guy, but knowing his lifestyle I really, really, didn't want any to make permanent contact, if you know what I mean.

Second, the reinforced non-metallic toe.  We made entry and were greeted with a house full of steel entry doors, each had to be popped open.  Hit the door, door hit's the wall, hits my feet, feet fine.  I stopped wearing steel toed boots because of all the reports of accidental amputation once the force of the blow was great enough to curve the steel back into the foot. It was very nice to get that protection back without that worry.

Finally they were comfortable.  They fit, they stayed in place, they did not rub and they still held everything in place and tight.

They only thing I can not speak to is their durability.  I have had great boots and other equipment that I loved for the first couple of months but as the wear and tear built up they began to fail faster than they should have and became the same as substandard new equipment.  I do not see this in these boots but I will be writing a update to these boots six months from now followed by a third and final a year later to see how they fared in the long run.

Bottom line?  Pay the money get the boots. 

Police Resource

I was recently emailed by Chris who writes for Criminal Justice Degree (Site Link)and he has written an article called 40 Informative Forums for Law Enforcement Professionals (Link) that has a bunch of good links that any P.O. could use.  I think its worth a look.  There is never such a think as too little information.

I'm Back...wet and a little poorer, but still back.

Well its been interesting.  The hole in the roof, followed by the flood in the basement and the passing of my wife's Great Aunt have made for an interesting time.  My house looks like its owned by a hoarder with a split personality, one side as nothing the other side is stacked to the ceiling.

But I have managed to dig my computer out and posting will resume as things normalize around here.

We have kept a few things of my wife's great aunt to remember her by.  I have a large glass lamp (3' 2") sitting on my desk as I write this, that was in her home (pictured).

We are not defined by our things but sometimes, for others, our things can be signposts of places we have been and people we had once driven by together and one day will again.


Joshua 4:6-8

6 to serve as a sign among you. In the future, when your children ask you, ‘What do these stones mean?’ 7 tell them that the flow of the Jordan was cut off before the ark of the covenant of the LORD. When it crossed the Jordan, the waters of the Jordan were cut off. These stones are to be a memorial to the people of Israel forever.”

8 So the Israelites did as Joshua commanded them. They took twelve stones from the middle of the Jordan, according to the number of the tribes of the Israelites, as the LORD had told Joshua; and they carried them over with them to their camp, where they put them down.

Lick my...history or Why I love history.

I have a love of eccentric history because it usually is better and more unique than any fiction out there.  I have not had many converts that have learned to love history as I do but here is just a sample of what they/you are missing.

From Wired Magazine...  Wired Link

FYI one of the Mozart Cannons is Leck mich im Arsch and Difficile lectu

Prototype: Gotz of the Iron Hand—Fierce Knight, Fearsome Prosthetic

• By Chris Baker  
• June 28, 2011  |  
• 12:00 pm  |  
• Wired July 2011

Photo: Gemeinde Jagsthausen

The Six Million Dollar Man, Darth Vader, Robocop—we have a passion for badasses who restore their mortal bodies with machinery. One of the earliest and most badassy cyborg action heroes was born 500 years ago in Württemberg, Germany. Gottfried “Götz” von Berlichingen grew up to become a knight of the Holy Roman Empire who robbed nobles and merchants in his free time. In 1504, he was struck by a cannonball during the Siege of Landshut. The impact ripped off his right hand and blew shrapnel from his sword and armor clean through his arm. It’s a miracle he survived. A normal man would’ve retired to a farmhouse on the Danube. Not Götz. He had an armorer fashion an iron limb with articulated fingers controlled by gears inside the prosthetic. With the appendage, he was able to grip anything from a sword to a quill pen. The handicapable warrior went on to cut an unholy swath across the continent for another 40 years, pillaging, murdering, and basically flipping the metal bird to authority. Götz became a Robin Hood-like figure in Germany, and his pioneering prosthetic was a symbol of the nation’s mechanical ingenuity. Goethe wrote a play about his exploits, and his famous battle cry, “Leck mich im Arsch!” (Lick my ass!), was celebrated by Mozart in not one but two canons. (True fact, look it up.)

PS:Wired magazine a great magazine...was reading it in the wire room between calls.

Status Update

Okay, things are normalizing at the homestead and hopefully regular blog posts to follow.  Threw more than 40 35-gallon trash bags into the alley, along with two play-school slides, a play-school wagon, a treadmill, an exercise bicycle, financial documents from 1991, a baby bounce up seat and well stuff to damaged to identify.

Further climbed on the roof with a buddy to tarp up the hole to keep water from rolling in, which went a little longer then projected when I made light of his weight problem and the ability of the roof to withstand it .  The work stoppage was cancelled when negations reached the correct ratio of apologies to free beer.  Meanwhile we are in a waiting pattern because of a conflict between the roofers and the insurance company.

So all that to say a couple of quick hits and a review of a great pair of tactical boots that I just tried from 5.11.  And by Friday hopefully normalcy and posting.

And as I am typing a storm just came in and what to do know?  Water is coming into the second floor playroom...yeah, home ownership, embrace it.

James 1:2
Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds,

Long Delay Between Posts

It been an interesting three weeks.  Death in the family, tree fell on roof causing a hole in probably the worst spot possible and basement flooding with about six inches of sewer water.  I am thinking that God is telling me that my home should really be a two story enclosed above ground pool.

Not my house but it sure felt like it for a while

12 year old boys-a quick guide

I had the good fortune (and probably his misfortune) to complete a home project with my 12-year-old son last Sunday.  The task consisted of cleaning the gutters, laying down heater coil so the  icicle farm that had been growing on the front stoop every winter would finally vacation south and finally, lay down some gutter guard so that the plants that are currently making our roof green will no longer have a matrix of dead leaf matter for growth.

The elements?  A 1950's two stage wooden ladder that weighs at least 75 pounds, a home that has a walk up first floor so the roof that we were working on was really about a story and a half off the ground and one easily distracted boy.

On to the brief guide for understanding the elements contained in 12 year old boys.

1.  They're Ninjas.  I do not remember ever receiving advanced convert infiltration and camouflage techniques in elementary school but then I did not go to private school like him.  I would go up the ladder, get to the top, realize that I needed the clippers, shout down to "Luke" and ask him to throw them up.  I would look down to find out why he is not answering and *poof* he was gone.  It was less than thirty seconds and somehow he got from the base of the ladder and into the house without making a sound.  I didn't even see the front door open and it was in full view!  I would then, clomp, clomp, down the ladder yelling his name and find him in the house in the bathroom or in the kitchen fixing a snack, sneaking television on the second floor bedroom or walking behind the garage in the alley behind the house.  I would yell at him for a bit, then bring him back to the ladder.  And...*poof* he was gone again.  I half expected to look up and see him escaping by hopping from one roof top to another, into the distance.

2.  They don't think past the immediate moment.  Luke was very excited to help with our project but it was clearly evident that it was not because he wanted a father-son day but rather he wanted to get on the roof.  I had to stop him from climbing the ladder directly behind me and multiple of times I had to answer the question, "When can I go on the roof?" with "when we have a second."  My final answer shot me straight back to when I was 12 and with my Dad.  "If you ask me one more time there will be no __________! (roof in this case)"  I tell Luke to hold the ladder. I have to get on the roof and check a few things and try to find out how the birds are getting into the chimney.   So I am up on the roof for about five minutes doing my best not to fall off and I look up and there is Luke (see item 1) standing next to me.  I look at the ladder nestled at an extremely vertical angle on one side of the house, which is why there needed to be a man holding the ladder at the ascent and the decent.  I look at my son and ask, "So the third man on our team is now holding the ladder?"  He looks at me and says, "Um there are only two of us..."  I look at him long and hard and ask, "right, so...since your here with me, who is going to hold the ladder so we can get off the roof?"  His response? "But I wanted to get on the roof."  Flash forward, I am laying on my back on the roof, one foot in the gutter, the other thrown as far as I can to the side of the sloping wall to brace myself, while I pull back on the ladder with one hand so that dumba#$, I mean, my son, can crawl over me, get on the ladder and descend to the bottom safely.  Oh and by the way he stepped on my leg in the process.

3.  They do not look at you when your talking to them.  This happened about a hundred times.  I would say, Luke we need to do, this and that.  You need to get this and go there.  I would be pointing at what I wanted him to take and where to go.  Each and every time...I mean, EACH AND EVERY TIME, he would start off in the wrong direction or could not find the item he needed.  I would have to say, "look, look at me I AM POINTING AT WHERE IT IS!!!!!!!!!"  Luke would then say, "Oh ok I did not know it was over there."  I would then remind him, "THAT's WHY I AM POINTING TO IT!!!!!!!!!!"

4.  They edit your conversation to suit their needs.  When I say, "Ok I am at a bad angle here, stay at the bottom of the ladder so I do not fall off".  Translates, "Hey when I get to the top of the ladder, that would be a great time to go inside and go the bathroom.  Oh and do not tell me your doing it."  When confronted with his action and what my request had been I get, "But you said fifteen weeks ago that I do not need to ask you every time I need to go the bathroom and you only need me to hold the ladder while you were going up".  I then had to remind him that I said, "Stay at the bottom, in other words: do not move, remain, man your post and don't F'en MOVE!"  To which the response is, "Oh I didn't understand that."

5.  They quit and they quit quickly.  "Ok, Luke.  We need to bring the ladder down, its heavy but I don't have to tell you that.  So your job is to simply grind this one leg down into the ground and don't let it move.  I'll bring down the rest of the ladder.  What ever you do, don't let that leg go anywhere."  So I start lowering the ladder by tilting it to the side and well, right before the entire ladder was horizontal to the ground the leg brakes free and the ladder turns into a see-saw with me as the fulcrum. I drop it and *crack* right into my shin.  After jumping around and increasing my physical fitness for the day, I ask, "why did you let go of the leg of the ladder?"  A long story then followed that could be summarized this way, it got hard so I let it go. Another example of this is the request every 15 minutes for a "break".  Yet strangely enough the "break" is never long enough and has no lasting affect since in the next 15 minutes a break would be requested again.

6.  If it is funny the first time saying it a thousand times more makes it even funnier.  I really don't have to explain this one much further.  I would say something that would strike Luke as funny and he would then, for the next two hours, quote me back to myself.  I would gently say to Luke, "Luke I know that is funny, that's why I said it to you.  I do not need you to say what I said back to me."  Which would stop Luke for about 10 milliseconds.  I have to admit you gotta love his gusto.  He laughed with the same level of intensity at the first telling as with the one thousand seven hundred and thirty-fourth telling of my cheesy one liner.

Father and son bonding...more keystone cop than family circus...at least in my household.

Proverbs 10:1
The proverbs of Solomon: A wise son brings joy to his father, but a foolish son brings grief to his mother.