Saturday, November 14, 2009
Why do all movies made from Video games stink worse than cheese on the radiator for three days?
Why do all movies made from Video games stink worse than cheese left on the radiator for three days?
I wonder why the transition between video game and movie seems to be such an insurmountable task. What follows is a brief list of this genre I have complied. Watch were you walk, you do not want to get these on your shoes.
Max Payne-great game in the noir style-bad movie in no style-note to director YOU NEVER USE THE BARRELL OF THE Heckler & Koch MP5KA4 you are carrying to open a door!!!!
The Resident Evils-The zombie genre is scary if you think it could somehow happen to you and you care about the lead actors/actresses-neither is accomplished here.
Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within-Cool lets make a movie that has nothing to do with any of the games other than the name, yes that will work.
Alone in the Dark-Christian Slater just what happened to you man?
Wing Commander-Thanks for getting bullet time technology to the Matrix Movies and your plot to Oblivion.
Silent Hill-great series of games that put gothic horror survival games into a new prospective. The movie would have been better as a silent black and white film...made just all silent and all black.
Super Mario Brothers-Dennis Hopper and Bob Hoskins? And it still sucked? How is that possible?
Laura Croft Tomb Raiders-Attention all future directors; a plot is like a tree with many branches coming off a central trunk-not a stright line like a 747 Jumbo Jet runway.
Double Dragon-I could finish this game in the arcade with just 50 cents-they could not finish this movie with two Lee Brothers and 15 million.
Street Fighter-Jean Claude Van Damme? Wasn't Claude Jean Damme Van available? Or Damme Van Claude Jean? Finishing move...suck till it blows!
Doom-Not bad...well I had about 8 beers before I saw it...but it was not so bad...I mean I did not want to set fire to the set...
BloodRayne- You know how you meet a beautiful girl that suddenly gets ugly when her stupidity and witlessness comes out when she speaks? Well it happens when they act too.
Mortal Combat-Moby sound track really really cool-Christopher Lambert really loved Highlander-I would say more but they pulled my horribly rendered spine with cord attached out of my crappy CGI body.
Ok I could go on but it is too painful. I feel my dinner trying to escape my body in two spots. Look for you own good please stay far far away. Play the games and burn the movies. Cheers.
1 Chronicles 4:10
Jabez cried out to the God of Israel, "Oh, that you would bless me and enlarge my territory! Let your hand be with me, and keep me from harm so that I will be free from pain." And God granted his request.